For the love of feeling good

I’ve always been a try-out person. So here I am, listening to my Favorite RnB Playlist and trying this Blogging out.

Why?

The reason goes deep.

If I’m totally honest with you and i will always be in this blog: I often feel lonely. I’m not alone I know that. But there’s this emotion that creeps up on me almost daily. The only times I don’t feel it? When I speak about my worries and realize other people struggle with the exact same things, so I know I am not crazy.

So I’m doing this blog for you. Okay… and maybe a little bit for me too.

Dance-focused, life-focused. I believe that if I share what I struggle with and what I learn through my dance journey, it might help you grow — as a dancer and as a person. And maybe it will make me feel a little less lonely. Win-win, right?

I’ll do this once a month. Because obviously I am a busy gyal with other priorities. I don’t know where this will go. Maybe it becomes something big, maybe I stop after a few months because I don’t like it anymore. I’m just gonna try it and hope for the best.

Right now I’m on a train from Milano back to Bern. It’s 9pm and I’m the only one working in this wagon. I just danced 13 hours over the last two days and i should probably rest. But i never do.

Is it healthy? I don’t know. But I am happy, because I know my work helps women.

This month’s topic is inspired from being a student again — not teaching, but taking classes. I haven’t taken classes in months. This weekend was full out. And with everything else going on in my life, it was full out for my mind too.

Seeing things from a student perspective again hit me.

What I struggled with most was being mentally present in the room. I wasn’t. And when I think back, I get so frustrated because I know I could’ve done better. It’s like that every time and something that always makes me cry.

I tried meditation, but everyone was in the room and I felt embarrassed and weak. I couldn’t fully let go because somehow… I still care what people think. I had to tell myself a million times:

“Just be present. Just have fun. You’re doing this for yourself. Because you love it.”

But do I really love it?

Have you ever asked that to yourself when you’re frustrated in dance? Do you ever feel like you are loosing the love for dance too? Or is it just me?

But then… there are these moments, right?

When you finally get something. When your head stops thinking. When you just feel your body move and your emotions run free. It’s like that feeling when you are drunk at 3am eating a kebab next to the club with your friends — everyone happy, everyone glowing — and you just think: Isn’t life beautiful?

I had a few of those moments.

And they carried me through the next hours. Made me chase it again.

Yes, I’m fully aware this sounds like addiction. And honestly? I can proudly say I am an addict.

To dance, not to drugs. Just to clarify.

Because even though I’m financially stressed (I thought it was a good idea to leave a 4000.- per month job to live off a dance school that barely pays enough), going through a breakup, planning a show for 400 people and 70 dancers, organizing additional projects on the side… I still managed to forget it all. Just for a few minutes.

I managed to not think. I let positive hormones take over my body. Do you know how nice it is not to think and just to feel???

It was hard. It only happened after the first 10 hours. After crying myself to sleep the night before. I didn’t give up. And the reward was huge.

I would give everything, every time, to feel that again.

That’s why I dance.

To forget. To be me. To feel happy.

And I hope this reaches you.

Those tiny moments of pure joy when you dance? They are worth it.

It’s worth going to class after an awful day. It’s worth forcing yourself after you had a fight with someone you love. It’s worth showing up when you just want to cry because you feel like shit. It’s worth although you might struggle with even having enough hours a day and you should do a 1000 other things.

And maybe today you won’t feel it. But what you learn today will help you catch and hold onto that feeling faster next time.

Because dance is challenging. Sometimes you feel terrible. But sometimes it feels like when you were playing mermaid in the pool with your friends when you were younger. Like you are on top of the world.

But you need to learn how to swim first, no?

Dance is like life. But the high, the sensation — it’s easier to reach in dance than in normal life. Why? Because it’s you working on yourself, for yourself.

No one dances seriously for someone else. It’s too painful for that.

You do it for you.

So continue doing it for you.

It is worth it, girl. It really is.

And yeah… I can’t wait for next month. I feel a lot better already. And I hope you do too.

Much love,

Ifunanya

Ps: I really don’t know if that was a whole lot of bullshit but i just wrote down what my heart said. I appreciate feedback always and i hope i will get better with time!